August 25, 2012 by MK
“Everyone is blogging these days.”
So, the ol’ Mental Defective League is trying to scare up some readers. With this entirely simple task in mind, an ol’ Bing search was commenced, and it went something like this: “get people to read blog i’ve wasted years of life on”. Normally, not even the geniuses at Bing could decipher the right algorithm for such an elaborate, desperate query. But in this case, I lucked out. They presented me with the Rosetta Stone for decrypting blog success:
Let’s go through step-by-step and see where I’m going right/righter.
1. Think of your audience first.
0 for 1.
2. Build relationships online.
I already did that. It’s a little thing I like to call, “AOL Chat Rooms, Sub-Heading: Dog-walking Seniors”.
3. Use a branded header.
My brand is clearly Jack Nicholson movies that fly over the head of anyone/everyone under the age of 97. Got it covered but thanks anyway.
4. Explain your blog.
“Because life is difficult. And boring.” If it gets anymore specific than that, I’m flabbergasted as to what could explain the nitty-grittys to my readership of tens.
5. Watch your tone.
You watch your tone.
6. Be original.
Um, done. I’ve searched far and wide on Bing and trust me, there is no other blog out there that discusses Arts & Entertainment.
7. Avoid the fluff.
This is why I do a monthly blog column on the whereabouts of Henry Kissinger’s bowel movements. Foreign policy: Check.
8. Diversify your content.
I have one blog post about a British black guy. You’re welcome Idris Elba.
9. Engage blog visitors.
This means I’m supposed to ask you a question at the end of every blog post. So here we go:
“Tell me, imaginary reader who doesn’t exist. What are your thoughts on my thoughts as they slip into the ether and slide away like vapor from a small household humidifier?”