January 12, 2009 by MK
15. Freakshow on the Dancefloor from Breakin’ – anything that gets Jean Claude Van Damme to dance instead of fight is a bad, bad thing.
14. Horses from Jerry Maguire – From the master himself comes a true adult-contemporary low that makes what should be a nice scene into a cereal commercial. Even the adorable-on-steroids Jonathan Lipnicki wanted to kill himself while watching this scene.
13. Goodbye Horses from Silence of the Lambs – Is there a way to get uncreeped out by this? Thank you Ted Levine. Note to self: Don’t put the lotion in the basket.
12. Take My Breath Away from Top Gun – Case in point of why the 80’s blew. Kurt Cobain couldn’t have come soon enough.
11. The Rolling Stones. Every boomer’s choice for boring rock & roll is also the most overused when it comes to spelling something out on film. I never want to hear “Gimme Shelter” as a substitute for menace again.
10. When the Going Gets Tough from Jewel of the Nile – ah, Billy Ocean. You’re not just an awesome sounding name. You’re a putrid songwriter that inspired this even worse music video. And there’s nothing good about three clutzy white people getting validation from someone they think has soul.
9. The Crying Game from The Crying Game – I’d rather not know all there is to know about the Crying Game.
8. Wind Beneath My Wings from Beaches – This part makes me want to rewind to when Bette Midler was Mayim Bialik and then keep rewinding until I never saw this movie or heard this song.
7. Say You, Say Me from White Knights – Lionel bathes us in his Richie syrup. Who knew that dance could end the Cold War? Absolutely no one, that’s who.
6. My Heart Will Go On from Titanic – I’d rather die on a quickly sinking ship than hear this again. Plus, there’s no excuse [ever] to line the pockets of Celine Dion.
5. The Time of My Life from Dirty Dancing – the [worst] time of my life. Oh Jennifer Grey’s nose, how I miss thee.
4. Gimme Some Lovin’ by the Spencer Davis Group in Anything Ever Again, up to and including movies, trailers, commercials and life.
3. Addicted to Love from Cocktail – A bunch of bozos led by a curiously frizzy-haired Tom Cruise do untold injustices to white people everywhere.
2. Unchained Melody from Ghost – Oh my God baby I’m sooo hot for you right now. You know what would really put me over the edge? Pottery! Oh! Let’s make a vase and orgasm!
1. Everything from Forrest Gump – watch and listen as Robert Zemeckis paints by number! Need a song to convey running? How bout “It Keeps You Running” or “Running on Empty!” When that doesn’t work, just blatantly steal something good from another movie like Midnight Cowboy! Doing a scene in Vietnam? Jukebox it up, throw a 60’s band at the wall and see what sticks!
Forrest Gump could have come up with a more original playlist.