Cameron Crowe and Nancy Wilson split:

Well, we should all just go and get divorced now.  This is the guy who wrote the “In Your Eyes” boombox scene in Say Anything for chrissakes!  Arguably the most romantic scene of the modern era – a moment that sends you out of the theater and into a marriage proposal.  Shit, he wrote the f’ing “You complete me” scene in Jerry f’ing Maguire!  Arguably topping the boombox scene in one fell swoop!  This guy writes so romantically it makes me want to track down Fabio and pose in a sequined nightgown for the bodice-ripping novel of my dreams.

The only way this can be rectified is if Crowe hires Peter Gabriel himself to stand outside the wee-hours window of Nancy and sing a mash-up of “Magic Man” and “Sledgehammer” while Tom Cruise – standing on Gabriel’s shoulders – renounces his involvement in Scientology, burns his original copy of Dianetics and commits himself to reuniting this couple by any means necessary, even if he has to do it in character as Maverick while he sings “You’ve Lost that Lovin’ Feelin’.”

Barring that, we can all just pack it in.

Thanks God.  Thanks a lot.

You had me at Goodbye.

No Cussing Club founder tells Biden to button it:

The teenager who persuaded the California Assembly to approve a No Cussing resolution earlier this month has a message for Vice President Joe Biden: Watch your mouth.

South Pasadena High School student McKay Hatch has called a news conference for 3 p.m. today in front of his city’s post office. He says he plans to ask the vice president to apologize for letting a profanity slip during a bill-signing ceremony earlier this week.

Where’s the damn school bully when you need him?  Maybe he thought it was enough to call him “McGay” and move on.  Well, that kind of lazy homophobia ain’t gettin’ it done these days, school bullies.  Follow McKay Hatch home and rob his lucrative Swear Jar.  Hire a trenchcoated John Cusack to stand outside his window holding a boombox that plays Cee Lo’s “Fuck You.”  If you’re not yet persuaded, the following should do the trick:

Wouldn’t it have been great if after he implored the crowd of soul-numbed teens to yell, “Don’t cuss!” they responded back with “Fuck a face!” or “Eat all shit!” or “Stop wasting our time with some nonsense your mom said she’d raise your allowance for and let’s focus on something that actually matters, you know, like ANYTHING ELSE!  Wait.  You wrote a fucking book about this shit?!  Not only is there no God, there is no meaning to be had from this forever trivial existence.  Why wake up?”

Thanks God.  Thanks a lot.

Rules for the list remain the same.  Only one per artist/band (still looking at you plethora of awesome Pink Floyd covers!).  So don’t lose your shit if you don’t see The Beatles or Led Zeppelin – they’re in the other one.  On with the show!

15.  Red Hot Chili Peppers ~ Blood Sugar Sex Magik

Tongues N’ Roses.  The ‘must-be-true’ Wikipedia says:

All photography, paintings and art direction for Blood Sugar Sex Magik were credited to filmmaker Gus Van Sant.

14.  Prince ~ Sign o’ the Times

Prince does his best to blend in but you just can’t hide cool.

13.  Beastie Boys ~ Licensed to Ill

No, it’s not comforting but it makes you want to see if the music inside can smash large, flying objects as well.  It does.  The ‘must-be-true’ Wikipedia says:

The full album cover, front to back, features a Boeing 727 — with “Beastie Boys” emblazoned on the tail — crashing head-on into the side of a mountain. The tail of the plane has the Def Jam logo and the legend ’3MTA3′ which spells ‘EATME’ when viewed in a mirror.

12.  Pete Townshend ~ Empty Glass

The drunken, libidinous, rock & roll Christ figure for our times.  The ‘must-be-true’ Wikipedia says:

The sleeve was designed by photographer Bob Carlos Clarke.  The album’s title is an allusion to a poem by the Sufi poet Hafez.  The sleeve cover of the vinyl album (SD 33-100) includes this dedication:  “This album is dedicated to my wife Karen.  “Rough Boys” is dedicated to my children Emma and Minta and to the Sex Pistols.”

11.  Eddie Floyd ~ Knock on Wood

Usually, literal-minded album covers don’t work.  Maybe it’s the incongruence of a sharp suit in the middle of the woods with an axe.  Whatever it is, Eddie Floyd sells it.

10.  The Doors ~ Strange Days

“They’re going to destroy / Our casual joys.” I believe it.  The ‘must-be-true’ Wikipedia says:

The cover photo was taken in Sniffen Court, a small residential mews in New York City. Jim Morrison refused to appear on the cover, so photographer Joel Brodsky decided to use a circus-like photograph for the cover image. However, most carnivals were out on summer tours so it was a struggle for Brodsky to find professional circus performers. The acrobats were the only ones he could find; the dwarf Lester Janus and his younger brother (not twins) Stanley Janus (who appeared on the back cover) were hired from an acting firm; the juggler was Brodsky’s own assistant; the trumpet player was a taxi driver; and the strongman was a doorman at a club.

9.  Talking Heads ~ More Songs About Buildings and Food

The whole is greater than the sum of its parts.  The ‘must-be-true’ Wikipedia says:

The front cover of the album which was conceived and executed by David Byrne is a photomosaic of the band made of 529 close-up Polaroid photographs.

8.  U2 ~ The Joshua Tree

Four Irishmen walk into a desert… and come away with something timeless thanks to their perennial photographer Anton Corbijn.  The photo evokes the giant landscapes U2 were about to conquer.  The ‘must-be-true’ Wikipedia says:

Corbijn later recounted the photo shoot in Death Valley, California; “This is the most serious set of shots I have taken of U2 and they became my most well-known photographs at the time. It was taken with a panoramic camera to take more of the landscapes in which was the main idea of the shoot: man and environment, the Irish in America.“

7.  Roxy Music ~ Country Life

Tasteful and perverted.  Who knew?  The ‘must-be-true’ Wikipedia says:

The cover features two scantily-clad models, Constanze Karoli and Eveline Grunwald. Bryan Ferry met them in Portugal and persuaded them to do the photo shoot as well as to help him with the words to the song “Bitter-Sweet”. Although not credited for their photos they are credited on the lyric sheet for their German translation work.

6.  Funkadelic ~ One Nation Under a Groove

Like Iwo Jima popped out of a champagne bottle on planet Funkadelic.  One of the very best bands when it comes to album art, Funkadelic often worked with the illustrator for this record, the great Pedro Bell.

5.  The Ramones ~ The Ramones

Bad.  Fucking.  Ass.

4.  The Band ~ Music from Big Pink

“The elephant in the room,” aka Bob Dylan, performed the honors for his band on this cover.

3.  Peter Gabriel ~ Peter Gabriel (Car)

Worthy of Blue Velvet.  The one and only design team of Hipgnosis strikes again.  The ‘must-be-true’ Wikipedia says:

Hipgnosis’ approach to album design was strongly photography-oriented, and they pioneered the use of many innovative visual and packaging techniques. In particular, Thorgerson & Powell’s surreal, elaborately manipulated photos (utilizing darkroom tricks, multiple exposures, airbrush retouching, and mechanical cut-and-paste techniques) were a film-based forerunner of what would, much later, be called photoshopping.

2.  Bruce Springsteen ~ Born to Run

The Boss becomes an icon.  The ‘must-be-true’ Wikipedia says:

It was taken by Eric Meola, who shot 900 frames in his three hour session. The photo shows Springsteen holding an electric guitar, a cross between a Fender Telecaster (body and pickups) and a Fender Esquire (neck), while leaning against saxophonist Clarence Clemons.  After he plugged in an amp and started to play, he casually leaned on Clemons. That image became famous as the cover art. “Other things happened,” says Meola, “but when we saw the contact sheets, that one just sort of popped. Instantly, we knew that was the shot.” Ultra-thin lettering graced the mass produced version: an unusual touch then; a design classic since.

1.  Miles Davis ~ Bitches Brew

Simply put, the best abstract album cover of all time.  In regards to the album designer, the ‘must-be-true’ Wikipedia says:

Mati Klarwein is still best known for his art of the 1960s and 1970s, with its clear links to surrealism (Klarwein studied with Salvador Dalí and the Viennese Fantastic Realist Ernst Fuchs), popular psychedelic imagery, and religious art from a number of different traditions.

You may not know his name but you know “the look.”  Dead-serious eyes on broad shoulders and advancing neck.  Idris Elba is not to be trifled with.  Unless, of course, your name is Michael Scott.

To go from playing business-minded Stringer Bell on The Wire to the dissimilarly business-minded Charles Miner on The Office is no easy feat.  Like Wire-alumnus Amy Ryan before him, Elba’s presence brought a sorely needed kick-in-the-ass to the proceedings at everyone’s favorite Scranton branch.  Michael vs. Charles was a matchup for the ages, setting up the series refresh that was the Michael Scott Paper Company.  By creating “the un-Michael,” he threw the office, and us, for a loop, choosing to underplay at every step along the way.  Here’s hoping we see him (and Amy Ryan!) somewhere in Dunder Mifflin’s future.

Side Note:  This man deserves a better vehicle than playing second banana to Beyonce in Obsessed.  He’d make a helluva James Bond.

Creed reunites:

Five years after their highly acrimonious split, Creed are reforming for a new album and an American tour, which kicks off August 6th in Pittsburgh and runs through October 14th. “I wouldn’t call it a reunion,” says singer Scott Stapp. “It’s a renewing and a rebirth. I missed my boys and wanted to create music with them again. We’re all thrilled to have a second chance to make a first impression.”

A rebirth, ‘ey?  Can we re-abort?

Thanks God.  Thanks a lot.

1) Great resume (accomplishment) and 2) Excitement for work yet to come (expectations).  Here we go:

15.  Richard Linklater

The oft-forgotten Texan has proven surprisingly versatile over an 18-year career of the commercial (School of Rock) and the experimental (Waking Life) .  But he does need to get his act together quickly (I’m looking at you Fast Food Nation!).

Best Work:  Before Sunrise/Sunset

14.  Danny Boyle

Pure adrenaline.  Without him, Slumdog doesn’t make it out of the film festival circuit.

Best Work:  Slumdog Millionaire

13.  Alexander Payne

The most consistently intelligent comedic director around.

Best Work:  About Schmidt

12.  Darren Aronofsky

The Wrestler could have been made by Hal Ashby (think Last Detail, Coming Home) and Requiem for a Dream could have been made by David Fincher (think Fight Club).  That puts him in great company.

Best Work:  The Wrestler

11.  Alfonso Cuaron

Might have the most potential of anyone on this list.  A master with the camera.

Best Work:  Children of Men

10.  Judd Apatow

Perhaps nothing could justify the amount of hype the Apatow factory has gotten over the last few years, but he certainly makes a great case (and don’t forget Freaks and Geeks).

Best Work:  40-Year Old Virgin

9.  Steven Spielberg

A man who should be in the top 5 slips because of the dross/dreck/abomination that was Indiana Jones and The I Want My Money Back.  No more sequels please.

Best Work:  Schindler’s List

8.  Christopher Nolan

Made the best comic book movie ever and still finds the time for intriguing work outside the Bat franchise (see Memento, Insomnia, Prestige).

Best Work:  Memento

7.  Steven Soderbergh

Yes, he will fail (Full Frontal), sometimes epically (The Good German) and twice in a way that hurts your soul (Oceans 12, 13).  BUT I’d take adventurous over boring any day and Soderbergh hasn’t got any quit in him.  You don’t make a film like Che if you’re out of gas.

Best Work:  The Limey

6.  Quentin Tarantino

Invigorating.  No one’s better at the “inside baseball” side of movies.  Even if it’s Death Proof.

Best Work:  Pulp Fiction

5.  David Fincher

He’s a technical wizard who can pack a punch (unless his main character is aging backwards).  It looked like he would do a certain type of movie well forever until he took the proverbial next step with Zodiac.

Best Work:  Zodiac

And when it comes to CGI, he’s about the only one who demands subtlety:

4.  Michael Mann

The guy is just a pro.  Not many movies are as well-paced as The Insider, look as good as Heat and thrill as much as Last of the Mohicans.

Best Work:  The Insider

And what more do you want out of a movie than this:

3.  Martin Scorsese

As The Departed showed, he’s still got it.  Unlike his contemporaries (Coppola, Lucas, De Palma), he has remained relevant after almost 40 years of work.  Here’s hoping he’s one of those guys who just can’t retire.

Best Work:  Raging Bull

As relayed before, the man knows his way around a tune:

2.  The Coen Brothers

You never know what they’re going to do next.  Everything they’ve done is worth watching, even if it misses the mark (okay, maybe not Intolerable Cruelty – but everything else).

Best Work:  Fargo

Somehow, this sums up the movie (NSFW):

1.  Paul Thomas Anderson

The most ambitious, vibrant and just plain talented filmmaker working today.  Where others fail to take chances, Anderson presses on — frogs will fall from the sky, one way or another.  But his movies aren’t simply an exercise in technique (though there’s plenty of that).  Anderson never forgets the beating-heart humanity of his characters.  Here is a director who feels on film.  From the desperation of Dirk Diggler to the seekers of Magnolia to the stifled Barry Egan to the misanthropic Daniel Plainview, Anderson lets you in.  It’s a world of “big, bright shining stars.”

As if all that wasn’t enough, the man’s achieved one of the best opening scenes in movie history (Boogie Nights) and one of the best final scenes in movie history (“I’m finished.”):

THE BEST (AND WORST) OF THE REST:

Falling (for Various Reasons): Wes Anderson, Spike Jonze, Tim Burton, Cameron Crowe, David O. Russell

Work More!: James L. Brooks

You Too!: Peter Weir

Most Overrated: Peter Jackson

Most Underrated: Mike Judge

Somehow Became Boring: Oliver Stone

Meh: Ron Howard

Most Inventive: Michel Gondry

No More: Kevin Smith

Please Stop: Zack Snyder

Deserves Second Chance: Martin Brest

Still Interested Every Year: Woody Allen

Up & Comer: Martin McDonagh

In Own Universe: David Lynch

Everyone Stop Foaming at the Mouth Already: Clint Eastwood

Best Dead Director: Stanley Kubrick

“Can I have your autograph?”

This has been “Fun with Captions!”

Any reason to let this already insanely lucky a-hole feel any better about his ridiculously opulent and jackpot lifestyle is a reason too many.

In the much-publicized duel, Kutcher’s Twitter account crossed the 1 million mark on Twitter about 2:13 a.m. ET Friday, narrowly beating CNN’s breaking-news feed, which had 998,239 followers at the time. CNN passed the mark at 2:42 a.m. ET.

Kutcher told Larry King that initially, Twitter was a tool to feed his ego until he realized that he could use the service to make a difference.

“At the end of the day, we all have ego, we all have some level of ego,” he said. “But if we can use our ego to actually create good charitable things in the world in some way, and use our ego — originally, I defined Twitter as an ego stream when I first saw it. But then what I realized is if we can transform that into something that’s positive that can actually effectively change the world, that can be a really valuable tool.”

Great.  Now he’s pontificating.

Thanks God.  Thanks a lot.

When Dave Matthews Band hit the airwaves 15 years ago(!) with “What Would You Say,” I was in their demographic sweet spot.  A high-schooler who hadn’t really heard music that incorporated jazz, folk and pop elements into the jam band model.  As the years went on and my taste grew ever-so-sophisticated, Dave seemed like something lost and faraway.  A group that was nice once upon a time, but that eventually went out of style, like make-up on Motley Crue.

But now, after the tragic death of Leroi Moore, they’re back with Big Whiskey and the GrooGrux King.  So, how’s the first single, on first listen?

Meh.  Musically, it tries to capture the carefree summertime vibe of “Stay” while adding a dash of melancholy to the lyrics, no doubt in response to Moore’s untimely death:

Funny the way it is if you think about it
One kid walks ten miles to school, another droppin’ out
Funny the way it is, not right or wrong
A soldier’s last breath and babies being born

The problem with “Funny the Way It Is” has been the same problem  since 2001′s Everyday:  Overproduction.  This record’s culprit is producer Rob Cavallo, who follows in the illustrious Pro-Tools line of Glen Ballard, Stephen Harris and Mark Batson.  Each of these producers have tried to capture a clean quality in DMB while losing the one virtue that separated them in the first place — loose eccentricity.  If “Funny the Way It Is” is any indication, it’s far past time to go back to working with Steve Lillywhite, who produced the only Dave albums worth a damn:  Under the Table and Dreaming, Crash and Before These Crowded Streets.

3 out of 10

Thanks to the recently enjoyed Adventureland, we were reminded (during the ‘entering NYC’ scene) of an all-time rock and roll classic — The Replacements “Unsatisfied.”  It’s a thwarted man’s night at the bar condensed into 4 aching minutes and 2 fed up seconds.  Paul Westerberg turns in one of the great vocal performances of all time, going from “listen to me man” beer #3 to a 12-pack “grabbing of the lapels” to the passed-out remorse of the final drink.

From the Stones’ “Satisfaction” to the Mats’ “Unsatisfied” to Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit.”  We can’t get no satisfaction.

Click HERE and turn it up!