Top 15 Worst Best Picture Nominees

I’m about to fall in shit.

The Academy is high. Three of the movies nominated for Best Picture would have a tough time getting picked up as an HBO film, let alone be honored as the best of the best.  Frost/Nixon, The Reader and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button are flat-out mediocre.  And the likely winner, Slumdog Millionaire, is not the best film of the year.

In honor of these Best Picture poseurs, here is a breakdown of like-minded films that got [far] more praise than they deserved.  Because there are so many of them, we’ll stick to the last 30 years.  And now for, The Overrated…

15. Slumdog Millionaire [2008] Everyone involved in this movie’s production should kiss the ground that Danny Boyle walks on.  He made something visceral and kinetic out of bad acting and a rote storyline.  When 4-year old children out-act everyone else in the movie, you know you’re in trouble.  Special shout-out to the Slumdog himself, Dev Patel, for really bringing the nothing.

14. Ordinary People [1980] Not a bad movie but this one has to be included just for the fact that it beat Raging Bull.  Marks the first of three times that a Martin Scorsese picture was beaten out by a first-time film director.  Yes, it’s true.

13. The Godfather Part III [1990] aka the moment a bottle of Coppola wine outperformed a Godfather movie.  At least one of them gets you drunk.

12. Crash [2005] We’re all connected.  We can all get along.  And somehow we win Best Picture over Brokeback Mountain.

11. The Dresser [1983] Say, who now?  I don’t know what this is either but it stars that guy who died and Billy Crudup put him in the ocean and he turned into a big fish.

10. The Color Purple [1985] You can almost hear Spielberg trying to win the Oscar for this movie.  Made me long for the subtlety of 1941.

9. Driving Miss Daisy [1989] My heart was warmed.  And my ass fell asleep.  If ever an old lady deserved a right hook, it was the one yammering on about the Piggly Wiggly.

8. Chicago [2002] Even if you are a fan of musicals, this is a sluggish ride to be [barely] tolerated, let alone win Best Picture.  Even Bob Fosse would have given it a “Meh.”

7. Scent of a Woman [1992] Hoo Hah!  At least it introduced [most] of us to Philip Seymour Hoffman.  Unfortunately, it also introduced [most] of us to Al Pacino’s new and improved FLAMETHROWER scenery-chewing disguised as acting.  What a treat to see a man with sight playing a blind guy.  “You see, I look straight ahead all the time.  Because I’m blind.”  Acting!

6. Dances With Wolves [1990] Tatonka!  You know the drill on this one.  Costner beats Scorsese, Wolves beats Fellas.  Enough said.

5. The English Patient [1996] I defer to Elaine Benes:

4. Million Dollar Baby [2004]

You see, Morgan Freeman was there the whole time.  Hiding.  Watching.  Just so he could narrate exactly what was going on.  We have to prove he’s the narrator so he must pull off superheroic feats like always being around Clint Eastwood in case he does something like pull the plug on Hilary Swank.

3. Juno [2007]

“Honest to blog.”  If it weren’t for the presence of true pros Jason Bateman and Jennifer Garner, it’d be a candidate for Top 15 Worst Movies period.  I checked out at the sight of the Hamburger Phone.  It’s a phone that flat-out proves the character is quirky!  There’s no need to write anything after that!

2. Life is Beautiful [1998]

Come on everyone, the Holocaust isn’t all bad!  Not if it introduces us to a born charmer like Roberto Benigni.  He can make humor out of anything!  When this walking-clown-college climbed over the chairs to get onstage Oscar night, Spielberg should have cut his Achilles, Murder in the First style.

1. The Lord of the Rings Trilogy [2001, 2002, 2003] Awful hatred for myself that I gave away (just gave away) 9 hours of my eyes for this Peter Jackson fanboy syrup.  The following parody sums it up:

Sober House Makes Me Wanna Drink

Previously, I extolled the virtues of Celebrity Rehab. Reality TV at its finest. Now comes Sober House – the halfway house sequel to Rehab.

I never thought I would long for the days of Jeff Conaway kicking women in the chest. But somehow, I do. And that “somehow” has much to do with Steven Adler, former drummer for Guns N Roses.  Whereas Celebrity Rehab was initially depressing and ultimately uplifting, Sober House is initially depressing and ultimately heartbreaking.  And this is after the first two episodes!  I can’t tell if watching Sober House is a prescription for never wanting to do a single drug in the world or a reason to do every single drug in the world.

Unfortunately, Adler’s been doing this routine for years and years – witness this Hard Copy* profile from 1996:

*Side Note:  Remember when Hard Copy was the Downfall of Civilization As We Know It?  Nowadays, everything is Hard Copy — making the actual Hard Copy look quaint.

1,000 Reasons Not to Live Before You Die!

On this installment of the ever popular 1,000 Reasons Not to Live Before You Die! we take a cold, hard, soul-destroying look at #487, Debbie Matenopoulos:

From People Magazine:

Debbie Matenopoulos’s estranged husband is seeking spousal support from the E! host, saying she “pays for nothing” related to their multimillion-dollar Los Angeles home after the pair “continuously lived beyond our means,” court documents show.

Jay Faires, 45, an L.A. music executive who makes $37,500 per month before taxes, is demanding that Matenopoulos, 33, either help pay the mortgage, agree to refinance, or move out and sell the home, according to his filing.

“Notwithstanding the fact that [Matenopoulos] earns at least $225,000 annually, she had her lawyers send my lawyer the cable bill and her cell phone bill to pay,” Faires says. “If [she] wants to continue to live [in our home] and won’t agree to sell, she should be paying all expenses associated with her use and occupancy, i.e. the mortgages, property taxes, utilities, insurance, gardener, pool, alarm, etc.”

At least $225,000 annually.

Thanks God.  Thanks a lot.

Poll of the Day: Glenn Beck Edition

The Patented Rolling Stone 5-Star Review: Bruce Springsteen Edition

This week, Rolling Stone gives Bruce Springsteen the 5-Star Review Treatment for his new record, Working on a Dream.  It seems Springsteen has graduated to “Do No Wrong” status in the eyes of one Jann S. Wenner.  And, once you’ve achieved that level of ass-kissery, you’re destined for a twilight career in which every album you release is your best since… whatever your last best album was.  In Springsteen’s case, it started with The Rising, a mediocre album that nonetheless fit the atmosphere of America in 2002.  It was his best since… Nebraska.

Now, I love The Boss as much as the next guy and own most of his albums, several of which are true 5-star achievers (Born to Run, Darkness on the Edge of Town, Nebraska).  But, when the red-carpet treatment is unearned, it’s insulting to both him and his audience.  In fact, when you get an automatic 5-star review from Jann S. Wenner, you should probably reassess where you’re at in your career.  Working on a Dream is unfortunately a 2&1/2 star record at best.  Because of this, you can feel the writer stretching to reach the parameters of a 5-star review.

“Working on a Dream is the richest of the three great rock albums Springsteen has made this decade with the E Street Band — and moment for moment, song for song, there are more musical surprises than on any Bruce album you could name.”

Wait.  What?

At this point, Springsteen has achieved Mt. Rushmore status with three other members of the Baby Boomer beloved:  Bob Dylan, The Rolling Stones and Mick Jagger.  That’s right, perhaps the worst 5-star review in Rolling Stone history, Mick Jagger’s Goddess in the Doorway.

This one deserved so much hyped flattery that editor and publisher Jann S. Wenner himself deigned it worthy of his own pen.  Just listen to the masturbation:

“It is a clear-eyed and inspired Mick Jagger who crafted Goddess in the Doorway, an insuperably strong record that in time may well reveal itself to be a classic. World, meet Mick Jagger, solo artist.”

Somebody get a mop.  Mick Jagger couldn’t write a classic solo album if Keith Richards wrote it for him.

Here are some other examples of Rolling Stone’s Undeserved, Unnecessary 5-Star All-Stars.

• Bruce Springsteen, Magic and The Rising
• Pink Floyd, The Final Cut
• The Who, It’s Hard
• Paul McCartney, Tug of War
• The Rolling Stones, Tattoo You

Do these sound like unimpeachable classics to you?  There’s a pattern here.  Once great artists still alive and [barely] kicking.  No worries though, Rolling Stone is here to take pity and nurse our former star’s egos.

The lesson learned:  If it’s their best since… it’s probably their worst.

HA: The Dana Carvey Show

Underrated, long-forgotten and absolutely classic, The Dana Carvey Show lasted a mere 7 weeks in the pre-Lewinsky world of 1996.  Carvey had the balls to do absurdity in the time slot following the suburban mind-turnoff of Home Improvement.  Needless to say, the two weren’t very compatible.  But the show was a springboard for an insane amount of talent.  Check the roster:

Steve Carell, Stephen Colbert, Charlie Kaufman, Robert Smigel, Louis C.K., Dino Stamatopoulos.  Here’s a few examples of a show far ahead of its time.

Tom Brokaw gets all his ducks in a row:

Paul McCartney has become Dana Carvey’s impression of Paul McCartney (3 minute mark):

And, for award show season (2 minute mark):

Top 3 Oscar Slights

1.  The Dark Knight should have been nominated for Best Picture and Christopher Nolan should have been nominated for Best Director.  When you have a movie that is borderline Best Picture quality and add to the mix that it’s one of the biggest movies of all time, you nominate it.  End of story.  And how Nolan made quasi-art out of a superhero/action movie deserves recognition.  The ratings will plummet and Hollywood will be seen as even more out of touch than it already is.

2.  Doubt not getting a Best Picture nomination is [by film standards] a travesty.  John Patrick Shanley made something absolutely riveting out of what should have been terribly boring.

3.  Two nominations for Best Song for Slumdog Millionaire and zero for Bruce Springsteen.  He won the Golden Globe, his song fits The Wrestler to a tee and, oh yeah, he’s Bruce F’ing Springsteen!  Now we have to sit through two dreadful performances of Slumdog songs while The Boss sits on his thumb at home.

To top it all off, usually we have the host to look forward to as a way to save an otherwise tedious night.  But no, Wolverine is hosting.  Maybe he can shred the envelopes with his steel claws and we can start over.

No We Can’t

Whoa, whoa, whoa.  Easy.  I was just like you.  All for this Barack Obama stuff.  Until Inauguration Day that is.  Now, all of a sudden, everybody is filled with hope.  And worse, they’re being implored to do something.  To follow their dreams.  To accept new challenges.  To be responsible for their own destiny.

I counted on folks not doing that type of stuff.  That way, I figured I had a 1 in 10 million chance to make something happen with my life, assuming that 290 million Americans were hopeless, couldn’t be bothered and unwilling.  Now the pool broadens and I’m just 1 in 300 million trying to change the world.  I don’t like those odds.

What am I to do with my screenplay?  Where do I shop that genius invention?  Who can I tell about my hilarious YouTube video?  I’m destined for the ash heap of history, thanks to the American people and their newfound initiative.

Can I get a “No We Can’t”?

Arrest This Man

Asked about joining the long-gestating-but-now-moving-forward Arrested Development movie, Michael Cera said he’d be happy to read a script when they finish one and that he’d certainly be interested to see what they do with it.

You’d be interested to see what they do with it?  Here’s the story dingaling — you are the lone holdout for a long awaited and much hoped for film version of the greatest television sitcom of all time.  Mitch Hurwitz (remember him, the guy that gave you the role that brought you to great movies like Nick & Nora’s Infinite… nevermind) is writing the script.  Ron Howard is producing.  Yeah.  That Ron Howard.  Every other actor from the show has agreed to appear in the movie.  I don’t care if they make you bang a horse in the script, you do it and thank them for ever thinking of you in the first place.  There is no seeing how the script turns out, there is only grovelling and grovelling hard to frequent the Banana Stand once more.  And another thing — you aren’t Bob Newhart!  No matter how many idiots compare you to him as a young man.  Now go put on your big boy cutoffs and fall in line.

Be Whatever You Want